‘I had everything to live for – but menopause symptoms made me want to end it all’

Suicide rates have increased among women by a third in the past decade, peaking in the 45 to 49 age group. Here, one single mother – who was in the agonising first throes of menopause during these years – shares how it feels when you think you have nowhere to turn

Even when times have been tough, my happy-go-lucky, grounded, kind-hearted personality has always seen me through – including when I found myself a single parent just 10 months after giving birth to my son, Jayden, at the age of 36.

Life was good in those first few years of motherhood. I was balancing a part-time job as an office administrator – where I still work – with childcare and volunteering at the local Scouts. When the weather was kind, Jayden and I would go down to my mum’s caravan in Wales, food from home packed into the car.

Things began to change when I entered my early forties. My menstrual cycles got closer together and I felt pressure around my head – a kind of headache that made it feel as if my head was in a vice. Then there were the intense migraines that would leave a ‘hangover’ for weeks. I floated the word ‘perimenopause’, but was told by doctors I was still too young, even at 43.

As the months – and then the years – went on, I was on a slow, hard decline; at times, it felt like I was pushing treacle up a hill. I saw countless healthcare professionals, but all my symptoms were treated in isolation and never linked back to what I would later come to learn was, as I suspected, perimenopause – which is when midlife hormonal changes occur around your early to mid-forties.

Worse than the inability of medics to join the dots was the fact I was routinely dismissed – the cruellest encounter being with a female doctor who attributed my debilitating pain to anxiety, suggesting that I simply wanted her to give me a name for my mental and physical symptoms.

At various points, I was prescribed SSRIs (medications most commonly prescribed to treat depression), such as fluoxetine and sertraline. For the migraines, a neurologist prescribed gabapentin, topiramate, sumatriptan and beta blockers. I even had steroids injected into the base of my skull by a headache specialist. Nothing worked and the side effects from some of the medications left me feeling even worse.

By my mid- to late-forties, my quality of life was declining fast. Joining the now-daily, virtually unbearable head pressure and migraines were other physical and psychological symptoms of menopause – there was burning mouth syndrome (exactly what it sounds like), body aches and fatigue, alongside crying, mood swings and an overwhelming feeling of fear.

As the years passed, I became a ghost of my former self; when I look back now, the memory of that time makes me want to cry. Somehow, I was still hanging on to my job – I couldn’t quit; I had to keep a roof over my head – and raising my son, who was now at primary school. I was coping – until one day, I wasn’t.

It was like a virus had infected me and taken over my brain. I could barely get out of bed and I was only dragging myself through each day for the sake of my son. I was spiralling to such an extent that suicidal thoughts were starting to creep in, as my serotonin had nosedived due to plummeting oestrogen. I even planned how I was going to end my life. Before I knew it, I was signed off work – and under the care of a crisis support team.

While all of this was happening, I connected on Instagram with Diane Danzebrink, menopause educator and campaigner, and founder of the not-for-profit Menopause Support (menopausesupport.co.uk). She, along with my local Menopause Cafe, connected me with people who helped me through my darkest times.

I changed my GP surgery and, on the advice of my new GP – as well as Diane – started trialling oestrogen patches, combined with a nightly progesterone tablet. The doctor also suggested a low-dose antidepressant to restore my low serotonin. I didn’t know what to expect, but it turned out to be the cocktail I needed.

I wasn’t surprised to hear the recent statistics – that female suicide rates have increased by a third during the past decade, peaking among those aged 45 to 49. The gut-wrenching truth is that if I’d received the right kind of support when I’d originally gone to the doctor, what turned into a living nightmare could have been sorted within months.

We don’t need ‘miracle’ supplements on our social media feeds – we need systemic change, including more specialised menopause training integrated into the NHS so that women like me can access the right support quickly. I think it should feature on the school sex education curriculum and in biology lessons, too.

Now, almost a decade after returning from the brink, I’m back to the old Debbie and I’m so grateful to be here. I still have the physical symptoms of menopause, but since using HRT I can manage them better. It’s not one-size-fits-all, but it helps me. Now 19, Jayden is thriving at uni as he pursues a career in politics. His love kept me crawling through the worst time of my life, along with the support of a great GP, as well as Sam at the Menopause Cafe – and the fantastic ladies who attend – and, of course, the lovely Diane. The right support is key.

When life is difficult, Samaritans are here to listen – day or night, 365 days a year. You can call them for free on 116 123 or visit samaritans.org.

Diane Danzebrink is a consultant, speaker, educator and author specialising in menopause and mental health and wellbeing.

Starting point

If you’re struggling with what you suspect could be physical or mental (peri)menopause symptoms, Danzebrink suggests starting by reading Menopause Support’s Understanding Menopause booklet, which is available on menopausesupport.co.uk. If your symptoms are affecting your quality of life, she advises consulting a GP or practice nurse, preferably someone who takes a special interest in menopause.

Self-advocacy

As with Debbie’s experience, accessing support isn’t always straightforward, which is why Danzebrink encourages you to request an appointment with another doctor or practice nurse if you feel dismissed. ‘If that proves to be unsuccessful, you’re very welcome to contact us at Menopause Support – we provide 45-minute 1-1 support consultations for anyone struggling to be heard and we can write a letter to your doctor to help you advocate for yourself,’ she says. ‘As a purpose-over-profit organisation, we always try to provide these consultations fully funded to anyone experiencing financial hardship.’

Short-term relief

If you need more instant relief, Danzebrink highlights the benefits of grounding techniques, including simple breathing exercises. ‘Breathe in through the nose for a count of three, and breathe out for a count of five – repeat this for two to five minutes and you will find that you start to relax physically and feel a little calmer,’ she says. ‘This allows us to think more clearly. You may not be able to control what is happening to you, but when you are grounded you can control how you respond.’

Supporting others

If you aren't the one seeking support, you may be able to help provide it. ‘Having an understanding of what your family member, friend or colleague is experiencing is key,’ says Danzebrink. Women’s experiences differ, she adds, and it’s crucial they have someone to talk to and ongoing support in both their personal and professional relationships. Most importantly, though, they need ‘kindness and compassion – these cost nothing but can be life changing'.